What I've Been Trying To Say

Honestly, what I have been trying to say shouldn't be this hard. I think about it [almost] everyday. Mostly at night, when I'm listening to music that makes me feel like I'm at home. I'm not a person who get attached to things easy. But I do set myself up for disappointment. How does that work out? Who knows . . .

I have deeper eyes than that, I must say. It's not a physical attraction. It has never really been. Ever since the beginning, there has been that magnet there. You know it's true, I mean, we've talked about it before. Not being able to remember how we started. Not knowing how we'll end.

But along the lines of knowing how it will end: I think we are both on that search. My eyes look over my left shoulder and yours are over your right. That gives us the illusion that we're both looking in different direction but if I'm standing on your left, and you on my right, and if we turn our heads enough, wouldn't that mean that we're looking right at one another, if we try hard enough?

But, you know what I believe to have wrong with me: That I care, I care too much. Sometimes silly thoughts crawl into my head. They usually leave pretty quick due to the fact that self doubt is a son of a bitch neighbor. Not welcome to move in and in this town, those silly thoughts can start a fire bigger than New York's Great Fire of 1835. Your problem? Well, I'm not sure you have one. I mean, we all do but mine can cancel yours out 10:1 it seems, sometimes.

When I do this I always tell myself to "shut the fuck up" and to "stop being a baby!" because that's what I've heard my whole life. Do I feel sorry for myself? Yes, sometimes.

I think I've always wanted to go balls out. Get this load off of my brain, heart, and whatever else. Maybe the distance helps. It's easier to be told "no" when something you already know that is impossible, just happens to be umpteen miles away. (If that makes any sense whatsoever, I'm not really sure).

Honestly, bottom line: I still, or have for a long time, though of you as my soulmate. That one chance that you hear about it the movies; Yeah, you're him. Wishful thinking for a better tomorrow. A tomorrow that can allow certain things? I think so.

You know what I think is bullshit? Movies. That a brain teaser. If romance happens like that, when is my turn? Does one have to draw a number and stand in a line? Or can one only be a small part of the status quo? Draw a ticket, and win the lottery.

I feel like I'm the creepy, fuckass that can't get a hint. I look for hints everywhere. Sometimes I find ones I don't like, and dwell on them too often. I'll grow up. Someday good will outplay the bad. Do you know when though, because I think my watch is broken.

You say sorry, I say sorry but who's really apologizing, and for what are we apologizing for? May she be out there for you and he for me. Unless, that's not what you want. I supposed "to want" and "to need" are two different things though; aren't they?

You look up and I stand like a child on their tippy-toes, trying to comprehend and see what the adult sees, at their view. I wish it wasn't like this. I wish a lot of things.

I try.

(Oh, do I ever).

Marc and Juergen

When it comes to my top favorite fashion designer it is hands down Marc Jacobs.

When it comes down to my favorite fashion photographer it is 100% Juergen Teller.

Just let your eyeballs orgasm over one of the simply beautiful portraits and pictures taken:

Mr. Hawk and Mrs. Swan

I have a dear, dear friend by the name of, Mr. Hawk.  One day, Mr. Hawk and Mrs. Swan had to part their ways.  Mrs. Swan was still of young age and still had not fully matured into her full "potential", quite yet.  She viewed her insides, and outsides, as ugly and could not get her feathered-brain around her thoughts.  

One day, when it was time to migrate to warmer weather, Mrs. Swan and Mr. Hawk said their goodbyes. Since birds don't have money they decided to exchange their thoughts instead of material items to add to the nest (which would one day deteriorate anyway).

Knowledgeable squawks and chirps were exchanged. Inside Mrs. Swan's head she understood that now, was the time to fly north, back to her home, where she truly needed to be: the city. Inside her brain, she still felt that the only place she could honestly be kept warm from any sort of  wind, snow, or rain, was under the wing of Mr. Hawk. 

Mr. Hawk did not think the same way, even though Mrs. Swan prayed in her heart that he would. He believed that the only wing that could keep him warm was the wing of his Father. Mr. Hawk told Mrs. Swan this and she could do nothing but agree, due to the fact she realized the Mr. Hawk was indeed, right. 

Even though she was sad to go, Mr. Hawk remined Mrs. Swan the anytime she felt alone that she could just listen into the wind and hear him singing songs to her heart from all those miles south. To this day, Mrs. Swan is still waiting for a love song to head her way. 

This song reminds me of you. 

The words aren't in chirps or squaks but I'm sure your heart will understand it.

I will love you forever and always.

Moving

I'm headed to the north for bigger opportunities.
Headed up the road for something new.
I'm walking up the path with the least resistance.
It doesn't seem like much of a struggle for you but it's hard.
Oh! When the rain poors down, it's hard, my friend.
To clean yourself off with your only two lonely hands.
No one there to hang out a towel or to buy you a drink.
I'm leaving behind my friends, family, home, and the kitchen sink.

I'm walking upward and whiping the slate clean.
I'm running up the path of my own dreams.
I want to succeed with all my heart, oh yes I do.
But this new cement city will seen even colder, without you.
When the sun shines it will grow warmer.
Sun, where are you and why won't you come out?