What I've Been Trying To Say

Honestly, what I have been trying to say shouldn't be this hard. I think about it [almost] everyday. Mostly at night, when I'm listening to music that makes me feel like I'm at home. I'm not a person who get attached to things easy. But I do set myself up for disappointment. How does that work out? Who knows . . .

I have deeper eyes than that, I must say. It's not a physical attraction. It has never really been. Ever since the beginning, there has been that magnet there. You know it's true, I mean, we've talked about it before. Not being able to remember how we started. Not knowing how we'll end.

But along the lines of knowing how it will end: I think we are both on that search. My eyes look over my left shoulder and yours are over your right. That gives us the illusion that we're both looking in different direction but if I'm standing on your left, and you on my right, and if we turn our heads enough, wouldn't that mean that we're looking right at one another, if we try hard enough?

But, you know what I believe to have wrong with me: That I care, I care too much. Sometimes silly thoughts crawl into my head. They usually leave pretty quick due to the fact that self doubt is a son of a bitch neighbor. Not welcome to move in and in this town, those silly thoughts can start a fire bigger than New York's Great Fire of 1835. Your problem? Well, I'm not sure you have one. I mean, we all do but mine can cancel yours out 10:1 it seems, sometimes.

When I do this I always tell myself to "shut the fuck up" and to "stop being a baby!" because that's what I've heard my whole life. Do I feel sorry for myself? Yes, sometimes.

I think I've always wanted to go balls out. Get this load off of my brain, heart, and whatever else. Maybe the distance helps. It's easier to be told "no" when something you already know that is impossible, just happens to be umpteen miles away. (If that makes any sense whatsoever, I'm not really sure).

Honestly, bottom line: I still, or have for a long time, though of you as my soulmate. That one chance that you hear about it the movies; Yeah, you're him. Wishful thinking for a better tomorrow. A tomorrow that can allow certain things? I think so.

You know what I think is bullshit? Movies. That a brain teaser. If romance happens like that, when is my turn? Does one have to draw a number and stand in a line? Or can one only be a small part of the status quo? Draw a ticket, and win the lottery.

I feel like I'm the creepy, fuckass that can't get a hint. I look for hints everywhere. Sometimes I find ones I don't like, and dwell on them too often. I'll grow up. Someday good will outplay the bad. Do you know when though, because I think my watch is broken.

You say sorry, I say sorry but who's really apologizing, and for what are we apologizing for? May she be out there for you and he for me. Unless, that's not what you want. I supposed "to want" and "to need" are two different things though; aren't they?

You look up and I stand like a child on their tippy-toes, trying to comprehend and see what the adult sees, at their view. I wish it wasn't like this. I wish a lot of things.

I try.

(Oh, do I ever).